“Here We Go Again” - the Scripts You Hear When You are a Smart Woman with ADHD
Happy February! If January was about “cleaning house”, getting ready for the year, February is about setting things in motion. It’s mid-winter, and the Groundhog saw its shadow, so it’s six more weeks of Winter. I just love the movie, Groundhog Day, where the guy re-lives February 2nd over and over until (spoiler alert) he assigns a deeper spiritual meaning to the day he is seemingly doomed to repeat for all eternity. I’m happy that I woke up the next day and it wasn’t a repeat. I’d made it to February 3rd, then 4th, and onward, and there was some variety and change happening. But the movie is great because it is such a metaphor for how we can see life. When we are stressed, preoccupied, life can feel like an overwhelming, frustrating place where we are “stuck”. How many times do we have to live through that stressor, have that conversation, deal with that thing that doesn’t ever seem to change? That can feel discouraging. Hopeless. But…To a large extent, it’s not just about what we are going through, but how we see it. How we take it. I’m not saying, “just change!” “Stop it!” “Look at the bright side”! That can all just be more irritating to hear. Our concerns and how we think about them are very real to us. But what in particular bugs us about a colleague, a family member, or a tough situation, may be very different than what would (or wouldn’t) bug someone else about the same thing. Because we are the only ones in our own skin, our own life. And what is charged about that comes from our own experience. This is true for most people. But when you throw in some brain-based challenges, it can be even more, um, colorful.
Such can be the case when we are intelligent women with ADHD/ADD. These brain-based issues often make executive functioning tasks like organization, time management, and prioritization pretty challenging. In so many ways, you are so capable and can grasp ideas very well. You can really “get” how people might be feeling, and maybe other people, like family or coworkers, depend on you for so much. But then, it starts to feel like too much. You missed a detail when you first got directions for a task at work, for example. You may have often heard things like this:
“You are so smart. Why can’t you (insert task you are being called out on not doing, or not doing easily).”
“This shouldn’t be this difficult”.
“No, get with it! What did I just say?” Accompanied by a giggle or an eye-roll.
And you get frustrated, too. Because while you may have been treated or even called, “ditzy” or a “space cadet”, in your head, you have been working really hard to get, and do, the work. Welcome to Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD). The name is a bit misleading - sometimes the ADD brain can actually hyperfocus and get exhausted doing so, more than someone who is more neurotypical. You often have strengths, too, like being funny or creative or really absorbing information when you find it interesting. That makes it even more annoying for you when you feel the “holes” in your functioning. I call them “brain gremlins”. And it feels so yucky when others call you out on them.
But it’s important to get help and support - from friends, colleagues and family who see your strengths and appreciate your good qualities, definitely. But also, from resources that “get it”. A good therapist or coach that works with these challenges, to be sure. Also, checking out articles in Attention! Magazine, by CHADD.org. I read these articles, by many people who live with ADHD/ADD, and I can see that they get it. It can make you feel so much less alone. And because you are a smart person, you can read these articles, or listen to podcasts, and learn about it.
What can you tweak? As it turns out, a lot. There isn’t a cure, nor does change in your life happen overnight. And most importantly, you can get support and help for the person you are, instead of beating yourself up and wishing you were someone else. And start with who you are now, with self-compassion. You’ve been dealing with this your whole life, probably. You’ve had to overcome a lot, and that says a lot about you. You probably just wish it wasn’t so much work, or that you felt so alone. But every day, something new can happen, starting with that compassion for yourself.
Another thing that helps, is the “It’s true…And” statements. When you hear one of the “scripts” above, you can say to yourself or even the other person, “it’s true that this appears to be a simple task, and you and I are frustrated that it seems to be so much work, but I am hanging in there and working through it the best I can”. That is already a powerful change. So you aren’t feeling stuck in the same old way of interacting with other people or situations, because you have tweaked how you are interacting with those scripts you hear.
If this all speaks to you, start linking with some good company. You might want to read this article to get started. I highly recommend signing up for their newsletter, ADHD in Women. And amidst the many tasks you are doing and people you are interacting with, this is a pretty big step away from the Groundhog Day way of experiencing life’s frustrations.