It’s September 11th, and I almost didn’t remember. Is that good or bad?

Twenty-three years ago on this day, the world turned upside-down.  On September 11, 2001, the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were hit by what was later determined to be a terrorist attack.  It was a terrible day that is etched in the collective memory of this country.

It hit us personally, too. My Mother-in-law was in the North Tower.  The day started so normally, with lovely weather. I was a young Mom, settling into household chores. Then a call came in from a friend who asked if I had seen the news.  I turned on the TV and went numb with shock, seeing smoke billowing out of one damaged tower. And then the other. And then, the whole thing fell down.  Phone lines were down. The morning hours passed like a frenetic bad dream. We were sure she was gone.  And then, around 12 noon, she phoned. She was alive.   It was a miracle, she said. Or maybe, it was luck, a series of smaller events that led her to get out in time. Maybe a bit of both.  Many people didn’t have a good outcome to that day. 

Sixteen years later, my Mother-in-law died of cancer. It was on another day in September.  None of us ever took for granted that we had her all that time after we thought she was gone. In the blink of an eye, it could have been different. For years as those days of September rolled around, we would light a candle and remember the day she almost died and the day she actually did. This week in September usually felt significant and heavy.

Then, this year, somehow, it felt not so heavy.  We were just living life, working, doing chores. I’m not sure why. Could it be that so much has happened since then, that the date now feels part of a more distant past? That right now, in many parts of the world, people are actively engaged in warfare, trying to survive attacks?  That our lives are in a different phase now then they were, then? That we are preoccupied with other events, concerns? Maybe it is all of these things.

We did remember, eventually, after breakfast. And I was more surprised that we hadn’t thought of it until then.  I don’t forget the “charge” of that day. I won’t ever fully forget. But somehow, it hits differently. Many things can make this happen. Sometimes it’s gradual and involves the passage of time, support of others, the concern with other events. I still feel “start” when I see images of the Twin Towers. But I have room for other thoughts and feelings. It isn’t so overwhelming. 

A co-worker asked her about a particular sight they witnessed. She said she didn’t remember any of it. Her brain was probably trying to protect her by blocking the memory. She never did go back to the site of the World Trade Center after September 11th.

Trauma treatment was in its infancy, then. There were not as many structured ways to get relief from the symptoms of PTSD. I wish I had known about Traumatic Incident Reduction, then. I would not have forgotten, but I would have reprocessed the charge differently, much sooner.  

And people who were severely impacted could have, too.  We don’t forget our grief or the traumatic event so much as reprocess it, so it feels different. Not as overwhelming.

If someone is feeling very impacted by a traumatic event, they don’t have to wait to seek help.  In fact, it’s better to it sooner than later.  How something hits a person is also very personal. There isn’t some measure that says this is an “okay” versus “too strong” response – if it is strong, that means we need to work through it, not avoid it. 

We had a circle of family and friends, a young child, and lots of support, and that helped. I had access to people and agencies who understood the effects of trauma on people. And we had, for all intents and purposes, a good end to the situation. But it still hit us hard. We felt the events of that morning in our bodies for years afterward.  Trauma isn’t a “thing” - it is a feeling in your body”, said trauma therapist Tanisha Shedden.

Today, it took me a few hours to remember the significance of what day and what week it was. And to me, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My relationship to these events is changing.  Our memories of my mother-in-law involve many layers and connections.  Every day, we touch the Crepe Myrtle tree in our front yard.  It was a gift from her to us, years ago. We feel her love whenever we see or touch this tree. She loved sweets, especially fruity or custardy ones. I think of her when I prepare jam, thinking about how much she would enjoy it, and how she used to. “Maybe it’s ok – I mean, we remember her in other ways, all the time.  I don’t need to remember the day she died, or the day she almost died to the same level I used to.” 

That is the meaning we have assigned to this transformation.  What would it mean to you, were it you?

Whatever this day means to you, whatever its imprint on your body and mind, trust that it is part of a process. Be gentle with yourself. Every person’s response is different and not wrong, be it about September 11th or another event in the world or your life.

And if you are still feeling it in your body or mind, you don’t have to spend energy trying to push it down. Get help to reprocess it. It may still be there, but you will have room for other things, too.  

May transformation bring you good things. Here’s to you, today.