What’s Being Exposed is What Will Help Us Grow: Racial Bias and Trauma.

The world feels like a hard place to be in right now.

I’ll go ahead and say it.  The world feels like a hard place to be in right now.    We’re all tired of this pandemic, of racial injustice, of anger, of people just not hearing each other or themselves. Tired of being tired.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  That sounds great.  It is definitely something to strive for. But sometimes, we need to step back and acknowledge the lemons. So said Donna Oriowo, educator, therapist and author, at a recent webinar I listened to.

The lemons haven’t been the same for everyone. The death of George Floyd ignited international outrage.  It laid bare the kind of treatment that People of Color have told me they have often been aware of as a possibility, or a reality, but it has rarely entered the consciousness of most White people in this country.  It was one brutal incident that was filmed, among many others that weren’t.

Even if you haven’t been physically brutalized, maybe you have still experienced trauma, humiliation, or stereotyping on the basis of your skin color or ethnicity.  The events of this past month may have triggered past traumas that are the result of racism on systemic and interpersonal levels.  That is your story, your experience, and I don’t want to tell it or interpret it for you.  Nor do I want to assume that that is even the same story for everyone.

But I am here to listen your experience, whatever it may be.

What ARE your lemons?  That’s what we take time to look at in therapy.

The lemons are the bumps. The hurts, the stressors.  The roadblocks that get in the way of us being fully present in our lives. They could be experiences you’ve had with being sized up and treated a certain way, and as a result, you felt ashamed, powerless, or humiliated. 

It usually doesn’t help when someone asks you, “Are you sure that’s what happened?  Maybe it wasn’t (racism, sexism, harassment, ageism – insert your own perspective here).”  This likely well-meaning person is coming from the premise that it’s your own distorted perceptions that are keeping you stuck, and if you only changed this perspective, you would feel and do better.  

But when we are hurting, that’s usually not helpful.  It makes us feel more alone. Unheard. How do we trust someone if they can’t even hear us out? So we push that lemon down deep into ourselves, and keep on with our lives.  No judgment there – we do what we do to get through our days. But over time, with all those buried lemons, it’s kind of hard to make lemonade, isn’t it?

When I think back to the times when I was really hurting about something, and someone tried to be helpful, you know what meant the most to me?  When someone really listened.  Listened, without judgement, without trying to change my perception or my feelings.  That felt like compassion. 

And that meant the world to me.  It made me feel less alone. 

I think a lot of us need more of that, nowadays. People who can just acknowledge the lemons without trying so hard to make us “get over” them.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of racism, you have probably felt this for years, at different levels of intensity, but to survive, you may have had to suppress the parts of yourself that hurt or were angry because of this.  (And maybe you still do, at times.) Maybe those are your lemons.

If you have high-risk people in the home and are feeling anxious because you have committed to social distancing and/or isolation, while others around you have not, those might be your lemons right now.

So what do we do?

First of all, acknowledge the lemons.  The frustration, the pain. Accept that they are there, with compassion for yourself.

Some great authors to help you get started with that:  Tara BrachBrene Brown.   Resmaa Menakem.

Give yourself time for this.

Then, get help. I know I am not the only therapist out there.  There are options that are more affordable, and therapists whose way of working and being may be your preference right now.  But if you want to work on your stress and trauma in a structured but centered-on-you-in-the-moment way to get relief, that’s what I do.

I’m not here to decide what is “real” or not.  That’s not how trauma therapy or life stress reduction work. 

In fact, if you have done therapy before, you are probably used to a therapist giving you their opinion or interpretation of what’s happening in your life, and what to do about it.  That has its place, and if that’s the approach you prefer, go for it! 

It’s just not what I do, generally.  We will work to determine your lemons, YOU will decide with me, what they are and which ones you want to work on, and we will go from there.  It’s a process, and we will work on it together. 

It starts with acceptance of ourselves.  We don’t have to like every part of ourselves; just accept that these parts are there, lemons, lemonade, and all.   That’s where compassion starts.

Take care of yourself this month. You are worth it.

 

 

 

 

“When someone really listened… without judgement, without trying to change my perception or my feelings.  That felt like compassion.  “

 

Is Tension in Your Workplace Triggering Past Trauma?

 

“I’m having a lot of tension with my team supervisor lately.  Our interactions remind me of some things I went through way back when.  I thought I had gotten past it.  I worked through how I was treated in middle school already, and now this issue with my supervisor is reminding me of what I went through back then.
“She says things to me like, ‘Can’t you do anything right?’  She rolled her eyes when I asked an important question in a meeting last week, and said something sarcastic. People giggled, and I felt humiliated.  It’s to where I avoid consulting with her, because I want to avoid being on the receiving end of this treatment.  I want to do a good job and get along with people at work.  
“I’m tired of feeling like a bullied kid. I want to be able to feel differently and be valued.  I know I am smart and hard-working. The worst part is, I keep wondering how much of this is something I am really doing wrong, and how much is not me, or even about me? Am I too sensitive, making a big deal out of a stupid comment, or am I really being treated badly? I’m a hard worker, but it’s starting to affect my performance.  And I want to be a good worker and team person and feel positive about my workplace, like I did when I first started here.”
Work issues can be tricky, right? Because unlike our friendships or other people we actively choose to be with, we usually only have limited control (if any) over who we work with.  Just like school.  And what happens when someone we work with is behaving in a way that feels adversarial?  We can feel helpless or ostracized, just like we did as kids. 
 You aren’t in this for more meaningful connection, like you (ideally) would be with friends. It’s great if it happens, but that’s not the main reason you and your supervisor are in each others’ lives. It’s a working relationship, with different goals. But that doesn’t make it okay for you to feel like this.
There are many ways you can deal with this. Checking in with trusted friends, coworkers, or other folks you have experienced as honest and reliable are great starts.  There are resources for dealing with work conflict.  It can occur because of anything from different communication styles, all the way to actual bullying or abuse.   Often there are channels through your Human Resources office or legal channels to go through in that instance.  Or even a job change.   
That speaks to concrete steps.  But the other piece is coping with the distress you are feeling personally.
Might it help to talk to a therapist? You know I’m a big proponent of talking to someone supportive, non-judgmental, and trained to help you work through it.
“Oh, come on.  These things were not such a big deal, and I’m not such a snowflake.  I get it. We were kids. I’m a grown-up now.”
You know something? That’s not even the point.  It’s true, you are not a kid anymore, and your coworker or supervisor is not the same person who put you through a bad thing or things in middle school.  Yes, middle school is (thankfully, for many) over.   Does it help relieve your symptoms to know this? Does it really help to give yourself negative talk and call yourself a “snowflake”?  Maybe that gave you perspective, and that’s great.  But if you are still feeling these unwanted feelings, or replaying these memories, this type of self-talk probably only made you feel worse.
When something is very distressing, whether it is happening now or it triggered something from before, it’s how it’s popping up in our lives now that we want to address.   For instance, you may be feeling the following:
 The memories and images (whether from an earlier incident or from last week)  play over and over in your head. Strong feelings (or body sensations) pop up – in dreams, in moments during the day,  or in a particular location at work.
Your stomach went in knots when you went down that particular hallway. 
You feel like you are breathing fast, or not well, at certain points, like the start of a meeting.
You want to not feel these things, but “pushing” those feelings down only helps for a minute, and then they come back.
These memories, sensations, and feelings can be like annoying gophers popping up, all the way to charging bulls that get in the way of how you want to live life.
 And this thing going on now with your supervisor has really triggered these memories/sensations into high gear.  
So what can you do?
Step back and examine the situation.  Go through the steps above, checking in with friends and trusted colleagues. If the situation merits more formal workplace intervention, you may want to go through the appropriate channels, such as Human Resources, to address this.
Assess your symptoms. Do at least some of them match with this checklist?  If so…
Accept help.    Sometimes we need concrete guidance and resolution to this here-and-now issue with your supervisor.  Do the steps above, if they apply.  
But when it comes to what’s being triggered for you, that’s where some deeper work can happen, too. 
It doesn’t make you weak to admit that this is really bugging you. It takes courage to admit something in your world is not right and you want to work through it with a professional. By the way, I’m also talking to the guys out there who are being told that.  Or think that.  Or have been told to think that.  This process is effective on people regardless of gender, gender identity, or other such factors.  The idea is to get you to a place where it is NOT impacting you so much, and you can start finding ways to deal with these issues, past and present.

Think about it. When you are ready, give me a call.

Some guidelines on next steps:
When you call me, leave me a message.  (If you don’t hear back right away, hang tight! I will usually call you back during my office hours.)  When we connect, we will do a 10-minute telephone consultation about yourself and what is happening right now.  You may want to pick a good time and place to call me, so that you can speak freely to me about your concerns.
If I am a good fit for you, we will schedule your appointment. I look forward to hearing from you!

Wouldn’t therapy be worth it?

 

 

 

If therapy could…

-help you feel less anxious, more calm

-add a supportive, non-judgmental person to your life

-help you get help with a trying life situation

-and, most importantly, give you tools for you to make some positive changes in your life

So that…

Instead of walking around feeling overwhelmed, alone, rudderless, you can feel calmer, supported, and focused on the here and now…

Wouldn’t it be worth it?

 


I’ve never heard anyone say they regretted doing therapy.

So you’ve been thinking about a particular issue, person, or big life change that may be on the horizon.  It’s weighing on you, occupying your mind, making you question yourself and your decisions.  You are thinking, you could use some help, maybe in the way of therapy, but you’re not sure therapy is the way to go.  Here are some reasons people say they are reluctant:

“I can’t afford therapy.”

Is that what you are thinking?  Most of us have spent money, time, and energy this Holiday season, or at many points throughout the year.  Understandably, you are trying to be watchful of your budget.

If the Holidays were fun and meaningful for you, I’m truly glad. Even if they were, maybe old issues, difficult relationships, or memories resurfaced with one or more people.  Maybe you used tips from my November blog post to get through the holidays, or other techniques to help you get through the tense times.

Maybe a big transition just happened or is on the horizon.  Job change, concerns about a friend, partner or relative?  You are worried about it, and it would really help to talk about it, but you aren’t sure these are concerns you want to lay out with someone in your personal life.

Maybe you did talk to friends, and it helped to get their support.  That’s something! But you may still be confused and this issue is hanging over you. You really don’t have huge amounts of time or energy. So for now, you are just hanging on, going with the flow and seeing what happens.  That can work  — for a while.

But sometimes it is MORE costly to put therapy on the back burner.  Namely, in quality of life and in the frustrating things that never seem to change, so that you lose sleep, or feel irritable, less energetic to deal with what needs dealing with.  This is especially true of trauma and severe stress. We actually spend more energy trying to “push down” our strong feelings. Or, they come out in a way that is not helpful, like temper outbursts, body/headaches, chronic distraction.

If therapy could help you feel less anxious, add a supportive, non-judgmental person to your life, get some ideas for help, and, most importantly, give you tools for you to make some positive changes in your life, so that instead of walking around feeling overwhelmed, alone, having no idea how to proceed, you can feel more calm, mindful, supported, and focused on what you need these days…Wouldn’t it be worth it?

“I’m super busy.  Who has time?”

It’s true.  You, like so many people, have work, parents, kids, school, and any number of responsibilities. 

You may want to try a person close to your home or work (or other place that you frequent often).  I typically see clients once weekly, but may see someone more frequently than that for trauma sessions.  It’s best to find someone close to your comings and goings. I’m in the City of Fairfax, Virginia, not far from George Mason University.

Pick a date and time with your therapist and make it part of a weekly routine. This will actually make it easier to stick with it.  Look at this as part of your “healthcare” routine and as something necessary you are doing for yourself.  And by the way, you send a very good strong message to your loved ones when they see that you are making this time for something important to you and that you stay with it.

For those of you who travel a lot or have health issues that make traveling difficult, teletherapy might be the way to go.  I don’t offer that at this time, but it is out there.  I’d rather you get the help you need and be honest with you about where to get it.

If your schedule needs to change, by the way, discuss this with your therapist. Most of us know that can happen. We try to work with you on this.

“I’ve done therapy.   I already know what my problems are. There are some things I just can’t change, and they are in the past, so I really don’t want to talk about them.”

I am not offering a “magic wand” that will make all your problems go away.  (And if anyone is doing that, they are not being straightforward with you, especially if there is a complex or ongoing life situation like a chronic illness in a loved one, chronic workplace upheaval, and such.  These things happen and I get that they don’t magically disappear.)   But I DO offer methods that will help you deal with these problems in a way that is calm and proactive, instead of dealing with them being terrified and reactive.  And those things that happened and are in the past?  The trauma therapy I do works on changing the memory, so that it does not affect you the same way.  It works.

Imagine having a game plan or a shift in your attitude in dealing with a person in your life who has often caused you stress or worry. Imagine how that would change things.  Instead of feeling like a powerless, out-of-control person, you will begin to feel more centered, deserving of good treatment and respect. (Respect is not fear, by the way.  Many people are in therapy because important people in their lives have confused these concepts.)  And when we believe we are worthy, things often begin to change.

So as you start out into the New Year, bearing the colder temperatures and looking ahead, think about the issues you would like help with.  If you read through this article all the way to this point, odds are, you are seriously considering therapy.  You know what it’s like not to do it. Maybe it’s time to try something different.

When you feel ready, call.

So What Kind of Therapy Do You Do, Anyway?

 “So what Kind of therapy do you do, anyway?”


“So what kind of therapy do you do, anyway?”

Because I am a therapist, people come to me seeking guidance and support on issues that are troubling them.  I work mainly with individual adults coping with trauma, caregiver stress, and life transitions like changing jobs, grief, or job and career changes, or relationship stress, especially with unresolved family issues.    Then they ask me my opinion about what they should do about the issue at hand, and I tell them, “We will come to that, but know that I work a little differently than other therapists.  I don’t evaluate, I help people process whatever is on their mind, and come to a conclusion.”

That is completely true, and yet, it sounds really vague. Or maybe it sounds like I am a slacker who just wants to collect a fee and let you rant, while not really doing anything myself. (I promise you, that is NOT the case!) They scrunch up their foreheads and look at me like I just said I came from the planet Neptune.  They seem really doubtful, worried that talking to me will be a waste of time.  In some ways,  I don’t blame them. What good is a therapist if they don’t weigh in and give you their take on what is going on with you, right? But then, some of them are willing to try a session or two with me, and then they see how it works.

Most people are used to having a therapist interpret or evaluate what they are doing.  This does have its  

benefit, and if that is what you want, I respect that.  But I roll a bit differently these days.

Maybe you have already had therapy, and it helped.  It’s been months or years, though, and your stress is up, conflicts are happening in your life, old triggers are acting up, and you are considering therapy again.  But you aren’t sure if this is the right time, or if the therapist you choose will be the right fit.  You may especially feel this way about me right now, because on top of not knowing me apart from anyone else, I am describing something that sounds kind of unconventional.  You want something a bit more, well, familiar.

Or maybe, it’s the opposite.  You say to yourself,  “I’ve done my therapy!  I already KNOW what my issues are. I don’t need to learn anything else or get any more insights that I don’t already have.  I don’t want to hear yet another person lecture me about what to do to change or feel better.  I just need the problem to go away.”

Well, then, how about a therapist who works a bit differently than most? If you decide to work with me,  we will still work on the issues that are distressing to you, whether you deem them little or big.    And as you do this, you will likely begin to see and feel changes. The most incredible thing is, it’s not because of what I tell you, but because we are peeling away the layers of awareness that are already within you. This is Traumatic Incident Reduction and Life Stress Reduction, all part of Applied Metapsychology, which you can read more about here

Maybe this sounds “out there”. Had I not had a respected colleague tell me a while back about this method and train me in it, I would feel the same way.  This is a SAMHSA-approved method of working through trauma, anxiety, and most types of life stress, and it really helps you unload and get some peace, relief, and resolution.  I know this, because in my training, I had to be on the receiving end of it, and it improved my own distress around some issues.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was effective.

Even if you just do a few sessions, you will likely find it helpful. 

If you want to give it a try, and you are 18 and over, call me, and we can get started. 

Is this month too hectic?  I understand. I’ll be around in January, too.  In the meantime, feel free to subscribe to my monthly newsletter/blog.  And in the meantime, take care of yourself in the ways you know best.

A Pit in my Gut about Turkey Day!” -How to Cope with your Challenging Sibling Relationship over Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s November, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  Are you ready?

Hopefully, you have some gatherings or events that you can look forward to:  Seeing family or friends, preparing for a big feast, or maybe a simple day spent at home. Maybe you are on call at work, and you are planning around that.

Whatever your situation, this holiday can also trigger all sort of intense situations and feelings. Even beyond the extra planning and extra work of food and home prep, there is the people stress. It seems we all have at least the one person in our life that we love, or is attached to someone we love, who will be coming. Or wants to come.  And can be really difficult to be around for too long. And we are trying to figure out how we can have them over and still stay sane during Thanksgiving and the weekend. Do you have a pit in your gut when you think about seeing them on Turkey Day?

Maybe it’s your adult sister, Jules.  You’re not that close to her for any number of reasons, and normally, this is ok because she lives far away and you don’t see each other all that often.  But, suddenly, you learn that she will be in town, and your parents want her to come over.  You are torn:  She’s your relative, and our families, everyone, it seems, tells you that you are sisters, so you should be grateful to have each other and make an effort. Because Thanksgiving is about being thankful!   You get that.  Of course, gratitude in life is important.  But when it comes to this sister and you, it’s not just not that easy.  You have probably had a challenging sibling relationship for a long time, now.  It seems to you that she just sucks all the air and attention out of the room with her issues, her stories, her emotions. And you end up feeling put upon and resentful.

You may not even want to talk about it, because other people give you pat answers, like “well, just ignore them”, “it’s just one weekend”, or “you don’t have to get hooked into an argument”. It would be great if that sort of advice made things better, right? But you can’t just wave a wand and change your feelings.

So what do you do?

Well, if you’re lucky, you have friends and family that care about you and that you do want to spend time with. So if it helps, by all means, set up time now to hang out with them and talk about this or anything else that feels supportive.

But if you have a challenging sibling relationship, you may feel you need more.  This is where it helps to talk to someone who has empathy AND training.   Sibling issues can feel especially sticky, don’t they?   If you have issues with your sibling, sometimes you can only discuss so much with your mutual parent or siblings. They have their own relationship with this relative, after all, and their own strong feelings about them, so in talking to them, you are aware of what to say (or not) because of how how they feel or react.   With effective therapy, that’s not an issue. You can pretty much lay everything out on the table and work through it.  Even a few sessions of therapy can help you sort through what you want and need in dealing with this complicated relationship, and in what led to it being complicated, either since childhood, or over time.  Maybe there was trauma involved:  A betrayal of trust between you, bullying, or feeling the effects of how your parents may have treated you, the effects of which can still linger.  If this feels like the case, seriously consider working this through in therapy.  Because even if you don’t see this sibling, you may still be carrying the emotional baggage around, and it rears its head in your life when you don’t expect it to.  Therapy can help you work through these issues and help you see what’s going on, and make some changes that feel helpful in dealing with your sibling.

But in the meantime, Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away, and here comes your sister Jules!  So here are things to keep in mind till then.

Be honest with yourself.  Do you really WANT to see this sibling?  Maybe not.  That’s an ok thing to feel.   You don’t have to share this with anyone until you are ready to do so, but allow yourself to the space to feel it.

 Or maybe you would want to see them sometimes, just not at this big holiday gathering, where there is enough intensity going on already.  I think we need to dispel the myth that everyone needs to be together specifically during the holidays.  If that happens for your family, and folks enjoy that and are able to do it, great!  But it may not work for you, and if that’s the case, it doesn’t mean you or your relationships don’t measure up.  There’s more than one way to do a Holiday.

So on that note, it helps to be open to other options that will help YOU feel more calm and relaxed.

First and foremost, remember that you cannot control someone else:  Not Jules, not your parent, not your spouse or kids.  You can only manage your own behaviors and responses. 

So start with yourself, and make a list. Before the event, get a notebook (or start a folder on your iPhone/android, computer, etc., and jot down the following:

  1. Five things I am thankful for.  (Yes, this does help you feel empowered.)
  2. Five people, groups, or interests that are my biggest supports.
  3. Five of my great qualities. (I am creative, good at math, good cook, caring, etc.)
  4. Five cool things about sister Jules. (This might be tough, but it will help you see them as a whole person instead of “all bad.”)
  5. Five things I wish I could say to her about what is hard or hurtful about this relationship.
  6. Five things I would like to have more of when we interact. (Instead of “I want no yelling”, think, “I’d like more of talking calmly.”)

You can add or subtract items in each list as they occur to you.  This list can be a great compass in helping decide how you want to spend Thanksgiving, and in fact, your relationship with Jules going forward. 

Delegate:  I am a big proponent of delegating tasks. This can mean anything from ordering a prepared Thanksgiving meal, to asking another friend or relative for help. Is there a supportive friend or relative who can distract Jules during the time she is there, maybe by taking her out for a walk or engaging her interest? That can help, too.

Set some limits for yourself, too. What energizes you, and how can you build that in to the Holiday?  Maybe it’s alone time:  Block out time to go for a long walk or watch a fun movie over the weekend, or on Thanksgiving.  If you are feeling triggered around sister Jules, building in some good breaks for yourself during her time there will help you relax.  It would be healthy for you to do this.

 What is it you want to get from having Jules coming over?  Maybe you just don’t want to upset the other people coming.  Your parents really want to see sister Jules, and you don’t want to upset them by saying she can’t come.  Is this a typical pattern in your family relationships? You play “good child”, while helping to manage the “challenging one”?  This can be about your personalities, but how much of this is due to your parents’ expectations of both of you? Most important:  How is it helping you or your adult relationships to keep doing what has been expected of you since childhood? This book will also help you see how this happens, and how to make effective changes for yourself.

 Think about what you are willing to confront, even gently?  Do you feel bullied, manipulated, or super anxious in their presence?  If so, this relationship definitely needs changing.  If a conversation starts getting heated,  just saying “I prefer to discuss something else”, can be powerful. If the other person insists, you can say, “well, I already said what I’m willing to discuss, and the answer hasn’t changed”.  If it keeps going, you can calmly excuse yourself for a walk. That, in and of itself, is a powerful change.   They may tease, criticize or cajole, but maybe this is how it’s always been with this person, or maybe even your family. You can still go for that walk, even if they do this.    And that’s change.   And here is a great book to help you hone those skills and stay calm and focused: The Dialectic Behavior Skills Workbook.

And as you are ready, do think about talking to someone who can listen and help. If any of this hit home with you, chances are that you have been wanting to work through this for a while. You will know when you are ready to look at this more.  At that point, contact me or someone with whom you are ready to do some good therapy.

In the meantime, all the best to you for a meaningful Thanksgiving, no matter what happens with your sibling!